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Let me start off with what I have to be thankful about. I have a very caring and loving mate. I have a home, a decent job that pays for that home as well as a few other luxuries such as high speed internet. Even though I rarely see them these days, I have a good family, and a friend that's stayed with me since middle school who I also don't see terribly often, but we're still quite close. I have a few acquaintances, a new friend I've met over the internet that I've bonded with, and life sounds pretty good according to all that.

In spite of it, I've had problems, mostly relating to myself. Since about 5th grade, I've had self esteem issues, and since about 9th grade, I've had problems with depression and severe mood swings. One of my exes who I was with for three years seemed to think that I was bipolar because I would go through several extreme mood shifts within a matter of hours. There are periods when I'm ok, but sometimes the tiniest, most insignificant thing will send my emotions on a roller coaster for a week or more.

I've seen psychiatrists, psychologists, etc. over the years since it was discovered in high school that I cut. That, thankfully, has stopped, and for awhile I was on medication that I didn't recognize as helping, though everyone around me seemed to notice improvement. Then a controlling boyfriend (who I am now broken up with) forced me to stop taking the meds.

I have had problems again recently though and started seeing another shrink. I didn't like him after the first couple of sessions, and when he brought up religion and the therapy didn't seem to be helping me at all, I quit going. I'm looking for someone else now. Though nothing event-wise has happened really, the past week and a half have been pretty bad for me emotionally. I'm ok, then something insignificant gets under my skin. Though my mate is very supportive, I'm scared that these episodes are wearing on him. I don't like knowing that something I'm doing (though I can't control it) is hurting him so much.

Anyhow, a friend recommended her psychiatrist, but I can't see him because of my work schedule. That leaves me back at square one. Most of the ones that sound good seem to be pretty far to drive too, sadly.

Finding a doctor is proving difficult, but I'm hoping that after that, everything will get better. The thing that bothers me so much is that it's me. It's my brain, my emotions all out of whack. I have no reason to feel this way, but I do. Mostly just venting, as I know what I need to do, I need to find another doctor...but it's nice to have a place where I can talk about it in the meantime.